non vegan mate

[RyanW]

Greetings.
Please pardon me if this question would have fit better in a different category. I am involved with a very lovely, but non-vegan woman. She has stated her intentions of going vegan, but her motivation is to be with me...not to live more compassionately. I have ambiguous emotions about this and hoping to solicit your thoughts, emotions and advice. I want her to know me and not just be with me. I deeply care for animals and feel whomever the special someone in my life should share this perspective. I genuinely care deeply for this lady and have given serious thought to marrying her. However, I don't want food to become a source of tension and not sure her veganism would last if our relationship were to ever end. I don't want her to change because its important to me....I want her to change because its important to her. In your opinion, what is the wisest path forward?

Thanks and cheers.
Ryan

[loveliberate]

I think it would be ideal if we all had committed vegan partners, committed both to us and to being vegan. Considering the relatively small population of existing vegans it makes sense that we'll have to (get to!) "convert" some folks as we move forward. If your friend is otherwise wonderful plus is willing to become a vegan for you and for however long your relationship lasts, that sounds like a close runner-up! Better for her to be vegan for you and for however long then to never be vegan at all. It is also quite possibly better for you and her to enjoy a partnership if her not yet being vegan is the only major concern that you have - rather than waiting for an even more ideal person coming along.

That said, I of course also fully understand you wanting her to choose to be vegan of her own accord / for the animals, etc. Have you shared with her your reasons for being vegan and how important it is to you, not just for yourself but for her? Perhaps more importantly, have you listened to her reasons for not yet choosing to be vegan herself? While I appreciate your pragmatism and maturity in considering what may occur after your relationship possibly (probably considering present trends) dissolves in the future, it is also somewhat concerning that this seems to be a notable concern if you are considering marriage... I also noticed that you write: "I don't want food to become a source of tension" - of course, being vegan isn't at all just about what we eat so I also wonder how open your friend is to having a vegan lifestyle beyond food. Those are my late night thoughts - hopefully you find them at least somewhat helpful.

Please let us know how things go for the tow of you!

[RyanW]

That said, I of course also fully understand you wanting her to choose to be vegan of her own accord / for the animals, etc. Have you shared with her your reasons for being vegan and how important it is to you, not just for yourself but for her? Perhaps more importantly, have you listened to her reasons for not yet choosing to be vegan herself?

I have shared why I am a vegan and listened why she is not. My concern is not the immediate future, but down the road in our relationship. She says she will be a vegan to be with me. She said this when we were talking hypothetically about marriage. I expressed my objection to cooking two meals every night. She said she would become a vegan out of love for me, which is really sweet. However, it seems like she could easily come to resent veganism because it is not something she deeply feels and not a decision she has come to without ulterior motives. I can't help thinking if she ever gets mad at me, there will a psychological attachment between the anger and being vegan. Is there any possibility if I let her do the vegan thing without her having a genuine heart to do so that it may deafen her ears to any future swaying should, God forbid, I not turn out to be the man of her dreams? I'm leaning toward telling her to be herself and if she feels a genuine compulsion to become vegan she should, but not to change just to secure my affections. Am I wrong thinking this way?

[kallefs]

I agree with everything Loveliberate said. But I must ask this cause I have heard this argument plenty of time that people don't want to cook two meals, why don't you eat the same when you are together? I can see that although she is not vegan she can at least eat a vegan diet at home. It worked for me for a couple of years although I had to bring out the sad eyes when my partner came home with a pair of leather shoes. It also had the effect that my partner became sensitive to lactose after a while (this has apparently gone back now, damnit).

[xanthia]

I've never cooked two meals for my omni husband of 15 years. He eats what I do at home or fixes his own meal. He eats meat outside of the house. I'm not a vegan out of compassion myself, so people can be vegan for many reasons and still be happy.

[RyanW]

I agree with everything Loveliberate said. But I must ask this cause I have heard this argument plenty of time that people don't want to cook two meals, why don't you eat the same when you are together? .

Currently, we don't live together so it is not really an issue right yet, but I find myself wondering about the future. I guess I was just looking for encouragement others have overcome similar obstacles with their partners as I weigh the pros and cons of asking her to be my wife.

[JP]

i wouldnt overthink it too much. I understand your concerns but first thing to accept is that people go vegan for such a wide variety of reasons so to demand that its done exactly the right reasons would sound unreasonable. Asking for a vegan household is not too much to ask i think.

most people dont care much what they eat eh? eating is not such a loaded thing as it is to vegans, so we tend to overthink eating related issues too much only to find out that its not such a big deal to most.

[xrodolfox]

Love isn't found, it's work.

If you won't be happy being flexible and working hard to make a relationship function, then you might as well learn from it. You are talking about forever way before you're even close.

I dated several people who discussed marriage and "forever" with that didn't work out. All were vegetarians, and one was willing to go vegan straight edge (just like me) to make it work. In the end, none of those worked longer than a few years because I wasn't ready, and neither of us was really willing to do the work it takes to love and live together. Going vegan is such a tiny part of it all. It's frankly the easiest thing compared to the rest of it.

Now, I'm married to a woman who was vegan before I met her. It's really nice and that certainly was attractive.

But that's not why we're still together through sickness, health, poverty, and the harder stuff. I would never have guessed. My wife is far from perfect, but both of us are willing to work for what we have. I would've never guessed.

You won't know until you get there. All you can do now is 1) quit or 2) go for it until you stop. There's no guaranteed forever even with marriage, mortgage, or kids. You can find someone that's "perfect", but that doesn't matter if either of you bails when it's difficult or boring.

The question you need to ask yourself is: am I willing to give it a try? If you are, then do it. At best, you'll be happy. At worst, you might learn how to be ready next time, in case that's the perfect time.

It takes practice. Your question tells me that you don't have it yet. Forevers are premature. Forevers have a way of catching up whether we chase them or not.

[JS]

I feel for you and it's a tough position to be in and one I think most vegans find themselves in ie with a non-vegan partner and trying to establish boundaries that work for both parties without ruining the relationship.....I feel you need to look at how much of an issue is it to you if she isn't vegan. I feel you either have to accept her for who she is and let her do her thing or realise it's a big enough issue for you that you're in the wrong relationship. I think in time she may understand what veganism is all about and make changes as she cares deeply too but I feel there are heaps of folk out there that agree with veganism but have no intention of joining the party as they find it too hard. It's a sad reality I am afraid and it's something I struggle with I have to admit but this is all about what is important to you. I feel if you go into a relationship and esp a relationship as committed as marriage then you do not go in to it with a view on how to change that person into someone you want them to be or the other person trying to change themself for that someone else. So my thoughts are accept her for who she is now and hope she see's the light and if that's a deal breaker for you then maybe you need to accept you will be happier with someone who is vegan for all the right reasons. I find hoping folk will change is asking for trouble! Hope that helps sort the head a little

[wannalift]

Timely thread. I had only dated vegan gals up until my last gf, who was vegetarian. That is to say, it has certainly been a screening tool for me. The current woman I am talking to appears to be not even vegetarian (that I can tell), but is rather interested in my diet. Normally I don't pursue such relationships, but I'm starting to think that has not been a good attitude to have. This woman is (very) pretty, intelligent, kind and hard-working. Exactly the kind of person who would be a good candidate to be veg(an). Of course, if it looks like she ultimately is not interested in being veg(an), then I'll ultimately not be interested in spending my life with her.