Terribly unfortunate life events

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Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby DC Runner » Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:09 pm

I am writing this post for several reasons.

I had announced on several other posts that I was expecting a baby this past June. I am not close with anyone on this site, but I wanted to put this out there in case anyone asked about how life as a father has been. My partner and I were so excited for the arrival of our baby. We spent so much time preparing and making sure everything was perfect. As it turns out, you can never control everything and our baby died during childbirth on June 17, 2013 (three months ago, today). We called him 'Fig' since he was the size of a fig (11 weeks gestational age). We didn't know the sex until he was birthed, so we hadn't decided on a name beforehand. He had only ever been referred to as Fig, so we knew that had to be his name, or more formally, Figueroa. Things have been extremely difficult for me. I'm depressed all the time and I am surely not taking care of myself.

I am not writing this as an attempt to seek support. I don't want people to feel they need to provide words of comfort or advice. That's not to say that I don't welcome those words. However, if you do provide words, please do not mention God. Please do not tell me that everything happens for a reason. And please, please, please do not tell me that I can have another child.

I am a runner, but I have not been running. Running has always been what I've turned to in difficult times. It has always helped to put me at ease. I went for a run a few days after I lost my son as an attempt to get away from things for a short time. I ran about 10 miles and never have I felt so alone. I was alone with my thoughts and emotions with nobody to help console me. It was exhausting and tiring for none of the reasons running typically is. It felt forced - like a chore. How could something as dear to me as running feel so wrong? I put it away and stopped for a while. I didn't want to run again. I didn't want to be in that place again. Several weeks and I tried again. This time it was much better, but I couldn't help thinking of how awful running that first time had been. I had a very difficult time motivating myself to get out and run. I was signed up to help lead the 3:05 pace group at the Baltimore Marathon this October, but had to drop out because of lack of training.

This week, I am beginning my return to running. I signed up for the Philadelphia Half Marathon on Nov 17. I also signed up for the Boston Marathon on April 21. I need to get better and running will help me do just that. Running has again begun to have that meditative effect on me. I may just start a training thread again.
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby mo! » Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:29 pm

on the 4th of November my son will be dead for two years. He died shortly before he turned 5. Long story.
The thing is....it wont get better. The hole never heals. Never. You just swallow and try to smile as much as you can. Thats my advice, although you didnt want to hear it ;) ...
I wish you all the love and luck you can absorb!

Keep running fast!
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby kallefs » Tue Sep 17, 2013 5:06 pm

I am really sorry to hear this and my thoughts are with you and your partner.

I hope the running will start to help sometime again.
Dum di dum!
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby soniczip » Tue Sep 17, 2013 5:57 pm

i'm sorry for what happened to you. i don't personally know you and thus find it difficult "to provide words of comfort or advice". but i want to thank you for reminding me how fragile life is. hugs from a fellow runner.
i'm focusing on some kind of stuff
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby loveliberate » Tue Sep 17, 2013 6:20 pm

Hugs & warm thoughts friend. I wish you all the best.
“I do not love the bright sword for it's sharpness, nor the arrow for it's swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." http://www.a-human-right.com - http://www.aware.org
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby sergio » Tue Sep 17, 2013 8:22 pm

I'm really sorry to read this. I DO believe in resilience, so all the best from now on. Hope you find joy, passion and sort of release in things again. Keep pushing.
I accidentally replaced all of my blood with coffee.
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby hakko » Tue Sep 17, 2013 8:27 pm

I hope you find a way out. Maybe running, especially with a group of like-minded people, could help create a bit of daily structure and motivation again. I really hope so.
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby mabli » Wed Sep 18, 2013 8:54 pm

Im so sorry to hear about little Fig, lots of warm thoughts x
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby DC Runner » Thu Sep 19, 2013 8:11 pm

Thanks, everyone! And I wasn't saying that I didn't want to hear advice, but that I wasn't creating this post as a way of seeking out advice.

mo!, I'm so sorry for your loss. Nobody should have to go through that. It means a great deal that you would share a very personal part of your life with another person, and a stranger at that, experiencing severe loss. Thank you for sharing that with me and know that I am so very sorry. I guess when I say "better" I mean "different." I don't ever expect to heal from this and I don't ever want to forget.
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby crapiecorn » Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:12 pm

I just wanted to post something, but I don't have any words ( like most I presume)
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby silver » Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:19 pm

No, the hole doesn't go away, we lost a child in similar circumstances getting on for 10 years ago.
(It's amazing how many people have, it's just never talked about.)
It still hurts, but not all the time anymore. Joy will return to your life.

I'm sorry you had to go through this and hope that you can get back to taking care of yourself.
That way you can better take care of those around you who need care too.

Mo! DC said it better than I could.
It's not what you do occasionally that makes a difference, it's that which you do everyday that brings progress.

http://www.thesilverman.co.uk

Strava-https://www.strava.com/athletes/2077466
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby veganjoggler » Fri Oct 11, 2013 4:53 pm

I'm so sorry. I feel horrible for your loss, DC. You have my sympathy. You've been so helpful to me and many others on this site, its amazing. I'm not a parent nor will I ever be so I cannot relate. I just hope you and your partner can find a way out without ever having to forget. I really wish there was something I could do or say to make things at least a little better. I just hope you continue with your running and living a good life.
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby xrodolfox » Sat Oct 12, 2013 2:36 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can hardly imagine what that would be like. You have my sincerest sympathy... and support.

Keep on running.
"The worker has the right to leave his boss, but can she do it? And if she does quit him, is it in order to lead a free life; where she will have no master but herself? No, she leaves to sell herself to another employer. She's driven by the same hunger. Thus the worker's liberty is only a theoretical freedom, lacking any means of realization; an utter falsehood."
-Bakunin
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby Ruff » Tue Nov 19, 2013 8:56 am

I know you did not ask for sympathy but you have mine anyway. I shall be thinking of you and your partner.

I am 51 years old and have had 6 children, 3 live births. We lost our first baby at 16 weeks gestation. My second baby was fraternal twins at the first scan. Sadly one twin died, but the other twin was our wonderful daughter E. She is now in her mid 20's and a marathoner in traing for her first 60km. We had another daughter 2 years later, my vegan daughter. She barely made it, she was severely underweight at birth but she was a little fighter. After her we lost another child at 12 weeks gestation. We were told not to have any more but nobody told my son who arrived 7 years later.

It is 26 years and 5 months since we lost our first baby. For the record you don't forget. Ever. But you do learn to move on, eventually. Running will help. Loving your partner will help. Friends can help. But the hole in your life will always be there. You are parents and little Fig is your son. Nothing can change that. Nothing should.

Take care of yourself and your partner. Best wishes. With love from Ruff in New Zealand.
From Katie
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Re: Terribly unfortunate life events

Postby DC Runner » Wed Nov 27, 2013 7:45 pm

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

silver and Ruff - I'm so sorry you both had to suffer such terrible losses as well. Thank you so much for sharing this information. As both of you know from going through this, personal stories provide comfort.
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