I am writing this post for several reasons.
I had announced on several other posts that I was expecting a baby this past June. I am not close with anyone on this site, but I wanted to put this out there in case anyone asked about how life as a father has been. My partner and I were so excited for the arrival of our baby. We spent so much time preparing and making sure everything was perfect. As it turns out, you can never control everything and our baby died during childbirth on June 17, 2013 (three months ago, today). We called him 'Fig' since he was the size of a fig (11 weeks gestational age). We didn't know the sex until he was birthed, so we hadn't decided on a name beforehand. He had only ever been referred to as Fig, so we knew that had to be his name, or more formally, Figueroa. Things have been extremely difficult for me. I'm depressed all the time and I am surely not taking care of myself.
I am not writing this as an attempt to seek support. I don't want people to feel they need to provide words of comfort or advice. That's not to say that I don't welcome those words. However, if you do provide words, please do not mention God. Please do not tell me that everything happens for a reason. And please, please, please do not tell me that I can have another child.
I am a runner, but I have not been running. Running has always been what I've turned to in difficult times. It has always helped to put me at ease. I went for a run a few days after I lost my son as an attempt to get away from things for a short time. I ran about 10 miles and never have I felt so alone. I was alone with my thoughts and emotions with nobody to help console me. It was exhausting and tiring for none of the reasons running typically is. It felt forced - like a chore. How could something as dear to me as running feel so wrong? I put it away and stopped for a while. I didn't want to run again. I didn't want to be in that place again. Several weeks and I tried again. This time it was much better, but I couldn't help thinking of how awful running that first time had been. I had a very difficult time motivating myself to get out and run. I was signed up to help lead the 3:05 pace group at the Baltimore Marathon this October, but had to drop out because of lack of training.
This week, I am beginning my return to running. I signed up for the Philadelphia Half Marathon on Nov 17. I also signed up for the Boston Marathon on April 21. I need to get better and running will help me do just that. Running has again begun to have that meditative effect on me. I may just start a training thread again.
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